a new day

After posting here last night, I posted to a message board last night and got some great ideas and encouragement- thank you! I have only been drinking water today so far, and I have had 8 pts of waffles for breakfast. I'm starving so I need to figure out what I can have for lunch or a snack! I need to get better prepared with meals and snacks.

I am just doing this. I can deal with being unhappy because I'm not drinking soda or eating everything I want. I need to just get over it. Enough already! Eating everything I want hasn't been so great, I've tried it, LOL.

up and down, on and off

I have been doing great with the push-up challenge mentioned in my last post. I have been keeping with it, and just re-started week 3. I'm repeating it because I got behind last week, and I've been struggling, and I know the important thing is to just keep going. Tonight I did 12, 17, 13, 13, 19 (74 total, girly push-ups, but still) and my total # of push-ups is at 652! 652 is good. I am proud of sticking with it. Tonight I did 25 crunches during one of my breaks in sets.

I have been on and off with eating. I'll wake up, count points, drink only water, and then slowly fall apart. I guess I could say it's good that I'm trying, and I COULD just be doing nothing and not making an attempt. But trying sucks. I need to be doing. I want this. I need to want to make enough of a sacrifice.

I have recently seen some fall clothes in stores and catalogs. Corduroy pants, rugby shirts, and other things I love, LOL. I thought about this post from last November. I don't want to be facing another fall not fitting into my pants. I don't even have money to buy clothes, but if I did, I wouldn't be wasting it on where I am now.

I don't know why I can't do this. How can I be this unhappy with myself and yet not want it enough to DO IT??????? I feel so stupid! I am hovering somewhere around 192 again, and when I look at those spreadhseets that show where I could be right now, I could just cry or scream or both! My most recent version had put me at 184 by now. Before that I would have been at 176. OMG, that would be a world of difference. Do I let it go and accept that I can't go back in time, or let it make me feel sick to the point of getting my act together? I guess there is a balance there somewhere.

one hundred push ups

Marc and I are going to start doing the 100 pushup challenge. Check out the website if you want to try it too! We did the test tonight. I did ZERO, and Marc did 11. It's hard to believe that I could do 100 pushups in 7 weeks, but I am sure that I can make a huge improvement, and that is exciting!

I think this will be a fun thing for us to do together since we both want to get in much better shape and lose weight! I also think that even if I'm not doing other workouts as much as I would like, I can do this!

I am on and off WW, and have mostly been maintaining. Hey, at least I haven't gained. I've been at about 190, 188, 191, etc. I have been looking at my spreadsheet here (in a post below) a lot lately because it really helps me see where I could be! I am going to do this! I have been drinking a bit more water and I have some food for some meals this week.

Ok, I need to go watch TrueBlood, LOL!

day 2

I am hungry and tired and hungry. I am doing it though. I am OP for the second day in a row and am checking for pigs flying past my windows every time I go by.

I had a Lean Cuisine (fettuccine alfredo) for breakfast this morning, followed by 3 pts of cookie dough, LMAO. Yesterday I had NOTHING to drink besides water. Today I had 16oz. of McD's orange drink and 2 16oz servings of caffeine free coke. Yeah, so that's 11 pts of beverage, and I only get 30, LOL! (5 are for nursing) Still a huge improvement over all the soda I had been drinking, so I'll take it for now.

I know I need to eat better (more filling lower pt stuff) if I am going to make this work, but for now, counting is a huge step, and I am working on all of this. It's hard because I'm picky. Need to figure out some more things that I like.

Ok, I am super tired so I'm going up to bed!

where I am :-)

The joy felt while eating cookies and cakes and chips is fleeting - that is what you have to KEEP doing it! I would get so much more enjoyment from feeling better about my body and being more healthy!

I have had ENOUGH. Enough time screwing around and not getting more healthy. I have said this before. I am sick of saying it and feeling it and thinking it. I need to just do this. ENOUGH!!!!!!!

I can't change the fact that I am not on schedule with my original plan. Instead of being 184 lb. today, I weigh 192. I am OP today though, for the first time in a while, and I just need to DO IT!

I took before pics this morning!!!! I have to look at them and maybe even post them here? I don't want to scare anyone though!

Here is the new plan. I can be at goal in a little over a year. Ok, a little over a year and two months :-) Or, I can weigh MORE than 192, or be at 192, or somewhere in between. Hmmm, what sounds best?? LOL! I can be at 165 by Christmas - that sounds good! I was probably around 165 when I got married and was in a size 8 or 10. I can't even imagine getting to 130 anymore - 155 or 145 would be incredible!

I see myself typing things like "I am 192" and then I am reminded that my weight is not everything and I should focus on it so much!

where I could be

Right now my weight is probably around 192. On 5/6, I created that spreadsheet (in the post below) that showed my then-current weight of 190, and plotted out a loss of 1lb. a week. So here it is, 6/10, and instead of being 185 (which would be AWESOME and allow me to fit in my shorts and capris without a struggle) I am up to 192. Yeah, nice. I need to get it together because this SUCKS!!!!

I am not buying more clothes, and I can't fit in much, and I'm frustrated. I keep looking at my weight from a week or two after having Kate last year - 171!!!! I have to get over it and just move on. I was stupid, but I can fix it.

DH and I talk about TTC at some point if we EVER think we can handle it - and if we are going to do that (despite a lot of fears I have!) I would LOVE to be thinner!!!! Maybe that will help me focus. I have a limited time, and I'd love to be as healthy as I can be if we are blessed with another pregnancy.

patience

I don't have much.

I have patience with certain things. I could spend hours on tiny details to make something perfect - a craft or some other project. I have patience with the kids. I can relax and let Ryan do something on his own, even if it takes an hour instead of five minutes - and I can just enjoy the process. I can sit with the kids and count blades of grass if that is what they want to do.

However, I do not have any more patience to not be in the body I want to be in! I have been screwing around for months and years now. Every day that I don't make some effort to lose is another day I will be fat. Another day I will be self-conscious. Another day I will not be enjoying my body as much as I could. I thought about how to word that last sentence, because I do enjoy and appreciate my body at any size. I am thankful for everything it can do. I have been blessed to carry and nurse my children. I can hold them and dance and run with them. I just know that it could be better. I could be happier.

Below is a plan if I lose 1lb. a week. Starting today. I don't know for sure if I can keep up with a schedule like that - maybe 4lb. a month is more realistic? I will have to see! It has been a long time since I honestly and consistently tried. I just know that over a year (reaching 130 on 6/30/10) is already long enough to wait. I don't want to wait even longer than that!

On the flip side, this gives me hope, because 130lb. would be like a dream, but I can look at this and see that I can be at 160 before Christmas! That doesn't seem to bad. I would be thrilled with 160, 150, etc.!!!! I am not even sure if I want to be at 130. I'll think about it when I get closer!