up and down, on and off

I have been doing great with the push-up challenge mentioned in my last post. I have been keeping with it, and just re-started week 3. I'm repeating it because I got behind last week, and I've been struggling, and I know the important thing is to just keep going. Tonight I did 12, 17, 13, 13, 19 (74 total, girly push-ups, but still) and my total # of push-ups is at 652! 652 is good. I am proud of sticking with it. Tonight I did 25 crunches during one of my breaks in sets.

I have been on and off with eating. I'll wake up, count points, drink only water, and then slowly fall apart. I guess I could say it's good that I'm trying, and I COULD just be doing nothing and not making an attempt. But trying sucks. I need to be doing. I want this. I need to want to make enough of a sacrifice.

I have recently seen some fall clothes in stores and catalogs. Corduroy pants, rugby shirts, and other things I love, LOL. I thought about this post from last November. I don't want to be facing another fall not fitting into my pants. I don't even have money to buy clothes, but if I did, I wouldn't be wasting it on where I am now.

I don't know why I can't do this. How can I be this unhappy with myself and yet not want it enough to DO IT??????? I feel so stupid! I am hovering somewhere around 192 again, and when I look at those spreadhseets that show where I could be right now, I could just cry or scream or both! My most recent version had put me at 184 by now. Before that I would have been at 176. OMG, that would be a world of difference. Do I let it go and accept that I can't go back in time, or let it make me feel sick to the point of getting my act together? I guess there is a balance there somewhere.