sit-ups

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted anything here since AUGUST!

I haven't made much progress with losing weight or exercising since then either :-(

I started the sit-up (crunch) challenge again. I took the initial test on 12/8, and I just got around to doing my first day of crunches today. I did 55 for the initial test, so according to their instructions, I started with Week 3, the 3rd column.

I did 21, 27, 21, 21, 35 (max set of at least 30). So, my total is up to 180.

I'm not really OP or watching what I eat, though I need to be. I'm just not sure I can add anything else to focus on before the holidays. I want to at least do these crunches and maybe some other exercise.

16 points

Today I drank a 2 liter bottle of Caffeine Free Pepsi. That is 16 points. 16. Brilliant, huh? I guess that makes it clear why I was never losing weight before, LOL. I just figured out that a 12 pack of cans is 36 points, and I'm pretty sure that I could drink that in a day too. Nice.

Anyway, I have been SOSOSOSOSO much better about drinking soda and non-water lately. So, I will keep in mind that a 2 liter bottle is **16** points and move on. I also had 2 full fat hot dogs with rolls for dinner, and somehow I'm still hungry. Not sure how that is possible. I just checked and it's 4pts per hot dog and 2 pts per roll, so 12 pts for 2 hot dogs if I don't count the ketchup, which I usually don't.

I still LOVE soda, but I love drinking water too.

a few more things

I am still doing my push-up challenge, though I have been repeating weeks and missing workouts here and there. I am going to do it though! Hey, maybe I should do my push-ups at 3:43 am??

I took the kids to our neighborhood park yesterday (both of them in the wagon) and walked for 20 minutes on the way there to get some extra exercise. Every little bit counts, right?

I look at my weight spreadsheet a lot, and it really helps motivate me. I don't freak out over it - I just focus on where I could be and not "wasting" time not losing. This takes time, and I don't need it taking longer than it already will!! I am a little ahead, and it says 172 on 12/28 - that would be amazing for Christmas!! Maybe I can make 170 by then!!!

insomnia

Kate woke up around 2am (actually her Angelcare monitor kept going off because she likes to sleep on her side pressed up against the end of the crib) and I am still up. Right now I'm in the office trying to decide which one of a million things I want to do, when I should be figuring out how to get back to sleep. I am eating a 5pt Lean Cuisine (meatloaf and mashed potatoes, LOL) and drinking water. I have been loving eating the LCs lately - I love warm meals like that, even for breakfast. Yesterday I tried a new one that I love - Five Cheese Rigatoni (7 pts, but SO good) and had it for lunch and dinner. Can you see a theme here? I need to be COOKING and eating better! I am giving myself a break though because I've been stressed and busy with helping my mom a lot after her surgery, and I'm semi-OP and doing well. I've been seeing 187 and 188 on the scale at times - not bad since I've been at 192 so recently.

Ok, now to decide between paying bills, working on the office mess, playing on Facebook, looking at spreadsheets I've made for various things, reading the latest Sookie book, or trying to SLEEP (and probably 20 other options). Even the bills would be fun for me - I just love getting things done.

one more time?

I have 2 other copies of this, and I don't want to do this again after today!! It's sad when I look at where I could be right now, and I don't want to feel like this anymore!

a new day

After posting here last night, I posted to a message board last night and got some great ideas and encouragement- thank you! I have only been drinking water today so far, and I have had 8 pts of waffles for breakfast. I'm starving so I need to figure out what I can have for lunch or a snack! I need to get better prepared with meals and snacks.

I am just doing this. I can deal with being unhappy because I'm not drinking soda or eating everything I want. I need to just get over it. Enough already! Eating everything I want hasn't been so great, I've tried it, LOL.

up and down, on and off

I have been doing great with the push-up challenge mentioned in my last post. I have been keeping with it, and just re-started week 3. I'm repeating it because I got behind last week, and I've been struggling, and I know the important thing is to just keep going. Tonight I did 12, 17, 13, 13, 19 (74 total, girly push-ups, but still) and my total # of push-ups is at 652! 652 is good. I am proud of sticking with it. Tonight I did 25 crunches during one of my breaks in sets.

I have been on and off with eating. I'll wake up, count points, drink only water, and then slowly fall apart. I guess I could say it's good that I'm trying, and I COULD just be doing nothing and not making an attempt. But trying sucks. I need to be doing. I want this. I need to want to make enough of a sacrifice.

I have recently seen some fall clothes in stores and catalogs. Corduroy pants, rugby shirts, and other things I love, LOL. I thought about this post from last November. I don't want to be facing another fall not fitting into my pants. I don't even have money to buy clothes, but if I did, I wouldn't be wasting it on where I am now.

I don't know why I can't do this. How can I be this unhappy with myself and yet not want it enough to DO IT??????? I feel so stupid! I am hovering somewhere around 192 again, and when I look at those spreadhseets that show where I could be right now, I could just cry or scream or both! My most recent version had put me at 184 by now. Before that I would have been at 176. OMG, that would be a world of difference. Do I let it go and accept that I can't go back in time, or let it make me feel sick to the point of getting my act together? I guess there is a balance there somewhere.

one hundred push ups

Marc and I are going to start doing the 100 pushup challenge. Check out the website if you want to try it too! We did the test tonight. I did ZERO, and Marc did 11. It's hard to believe that I could do 100 pushups in 7 weeks, but I am sure that I can make a huge improvement, and that is exciting!

I think this will be a fun thing for us to do together since we both want to get in much better shape and lose weight! I also think that even if I'm not doing other workouts as much as I would like, I can do this!

I am on and off WW, and have mostly been maintaining. Hey, at least I haven't gained. I've been at about 190, 188, 191, etc. I have been looking at my spreadsheet here (in a post below) a lot lately because it really helps me see where I could be! I am going to do this! I have been drinking a bit more water and I have some food for some meals this week.

Ok, I need to go watch TrueBlood, LOL!

day 2

I am hungry and tired and hungry. I am doing it though. I am OP for the second day in a row and am checking for pigs flying past my windows every time I go by.

I had a Lean Cuisine (fettuccine alfredo) for breakfast this morning, followed by 3 pts of cookie dough, LMAO. Yesterday I had NOTHING to drink besides water. Today I had 16oz. of McD's orange drink and 2 16oz servings of caffeine free coke. Yeah, so that's 11 pts of beverage, and I only get 30, LOL! (5 are for nursing) Still a huge improvement over all the soda I had been drinking, so I'll take it for now.

I know I need to eat better (more filling lower pt stuff) if I am going to make this work, but for now, counting is a huge step, and I am working on all of this. It's hard because I'm picky. Need to figure out some more things that I like.

Ok, I am super tired so I'm going up to bed!

where I am :-)

The joy felt while eating cookies and cakes and chips is fleeting - that is what you have to KEEP doing it! I would get so much more enjoyment from feeling better about my body and being more healthy!

I have had ENOUGH. Enough time screwing around and not getting more healthy. I have said this before. I am sick of saying it and feeling it and thinking it. I need to just do this. ENOUGH!!!!!!!

I can't change the fact that I am not on schedule with my original plan. Instead of being 184 lb. today, I weigh 192. I am OP today though, for the first time in a while, and I just need to DO IT!

I took before pics this morning!!!! I have to look at them and maybe even post them here? I don't want to scare anyone though!

Here is the new plan. I can be at goal in a little over a year. Ok, a little over a year and two months :-) Or, I can weigh MORE than 192, or be at 192, or somewhere in between. Hmmm, what sounds best?? LOL! I can be at 165 by Christmas - that sounds good! I was probably around 165 when I got married and was in a size 8 or 10. I can't even imagine getting to 130 anymore - 155 or 145 would be incredible!

I see myself typing things like "I am 192" and then I am reminded that my weight is not everything and I should focus on it so much!

where I could be

Right now my weight is probably around 192. On 5/6, I created that spreadsheet (in the post below) that showed my then-current weight of 190, and plotted out a loss of 1lb. a week. So here it is, 6/10, and instead of being 185 (which would be AWESOME and allow me to fit in my shorts and capris without a struggle) I am up to 192. Yeah, nice. I need to get it together because this SUCKS!!!!

I am not buying more clothes, and I can't fit in much, and I'm frustrated. I keep looking at my weight from a week or two after having Kate last year - 171!!!! I have to get over it and just move on. I was stupid, but I can fix it.

DH and I talk about TTC at some point if we EVER think we can handle it - and if we are going to do that (despite a lot of fears I have!) I would LOVE to be thinner!!!! Maybe that will help me focus. I have a limited time, and I'd love to be as healthy as I can be if we are blessed with another pregnancy.

patience

I don't have much.

I have patience with certain things. I could spend hours on tiny details to make something perfect - a craft or some other project. I have patience with the kids. I can relax and let Ryan do something on his own, even if it takes an hour instead of five minutes - and I can just enjoy the process. I can sit with the kids and count blades of grass if that is what they want to do.

However, I do not have any more patience to not be in the body I want to be in! I have been screwing around for months and years now. Every day that I don't make some effort to lose is another day I will be fat. Another day I will be self-conscious. Another day I will not be enjoying my body as much as I could. I thought about how to word that last sentence, because I do enjoy and appreciate my body at any size. I am thankful for everything it can do. I have been blessed to carry and nurse my children. I can hold them and dance and run with them. I just know that it could be better. I could be happier.

Below is a plan if I lose 1lb. a week. Starting today. I don't know for sure if I can keep up with a schedule like that - maybe 4lb. a month is more realistic? I will have to see! It has been a long time since I honestly and consistently tried. I just know that over a year (reaching 130 on 6/30/10) is already long enough to wait. I don't want to wait even longer than that!

On the flip side, this gives me hope, because 130lb. would be like a dream, but I can look at this and see that I can be at 160 before Christmas! That doesn't seem to bad. I would be thrilled with 160, 150, etc.!!!! I am not even sure if I want to be at 130. I'll think about it when I get closer!

ok, Easter is over

I was NOT good with my eating, but it's over, and I need to get back in control. I had some incidents with Nestle crunch eggs, and an even worse incident with a bag of Mint Milanos (not even an Easter food!) Ahhhh, I really really love Mint Milanos, but not as much as I'll love losing weight. I checked this morning - I have stayed the same at 190, so I am happy with that - and I am ready to move forward. I still feel great about starting with counting a few days ago, because I think it DID make a difference with the holiday! I also felt good about working out, though it wasn't easy being so sore and cleaning in getting ready for our dinner!

I will work out at least twice between now and the end of the week! I will also be counting from now on! I need to figure out something with the candy that we have in the house!

feeling good

This morning I woke up and thought "why does it feel like there is a knot behind my knee?" and then remembered my workout last night :-) I actually like being a little bit sore, and it motivates me to keep going with eating well and exercising. I guess it's just a reminder of how hard I worked and it makes me want to make even more progress!

I actually like working out, so I don't know why I have so rarely done it in the past ummm, 3 or 4 years??? Like I can count on one hand the number of times I've done a workout DVD or video in that amount of time. I like to be prepared, and I always think that it will be worth spending the money, so I have . . . the firm, 30 day shred, tae bo, pilates, many different yoga dvds and videos (LOVE doing yoga), some NY ballet workout, and probably others I am forgetting. Oh, and I have a step and the videos that go with that. I also have a total gym (complete with accompanying videos of course) in the basement, and I DO like that too, even though it has hardly been used. I also have an exercise/balance ball and some ab contraption, LMAO. All this and I don't even watch infomercials! Anyway, my point is that I am going to DO this stuff now, instead of just collecting momentos of my optimism and high hopes.

I also don't want to spend anymore money on this! I could probably do a different thing every day for over a month and not repeat a workout! Today I went to the library and took out a hip hop workout DVD - it has to be back in a week, so I might try it out. I am going to try to indulge my need for new DVDs by using the library instead of my bank card. I DO wish they had Zumba though (already checked). Maybe a Zumba DVD can be a reward at some point if I keep up with this!

I just finished eating a yummy Stouffer's meal for lunch. I think the fact that it isn't Lean Cuisine makes me happy somehow, and it's only 6 pts. I even checked myself twice today. It's called "baked chicken breast" and has a piece of chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy. I end up adding some salt, but I really enjoy it. Ok, this post is already WAY too long, but I will also say that I NEED to be better about not letting myself get so hungry in between eating. I sometimes don't know what to eat, or stress about counting and figuring portions for something random, so I don't eat. This makes a lunch of cookies seem that much more appealing! Note to self: it is not the end of the world if my point estimate is off a little bit either way - it does not have to be perfect!!!!

I did it!

When I wrote it here earlier, I didn't have much faith that I would ACTUALLY do the 30 day shred for the first time tonight (since I haven't been good with these things for as long as I can remember), but I wrote it, and I wanted to DO IT! So I did! I am beat - it kicked my ass! I am so excited though! I did the level 1, with the modified easier exercises, and I barely made it! It is only 20 minutes though, and I know I can keep doing this! YAY!

I have 20 minutes. Every day. There is never a day I'm too busy for 20 minutes. I will come back and look at this paragraph as needed, LOL! If anyone reads this and sees me say otherwise, please call me on it :-)

more about counting

That was a false alarm, Kate didn't wake up, but I know she will soon, and I need to GET CLEANING!

I have only had 2 sodas so far today which is huge. I had a ridiculously high point lunch (18), but I ate something in the freezer that is now gone and no longer a temptation. AND, I realized it wasn't worth it, so I am not tempted to buy/eat that again.

I need to adjust my points to not include full-time nursing now that Kate is eating more solids, but I am still not ready! I figure that if I am currently eating WAY more than my 35 pts (my pts just went up today when I logged my new weight, LOL), I should stick with 35 for a week or so and THEN make a change if I am not losing. I guess soon enough nursing won't be an issue at all, but for now I'm just going to take these baby steps and see where they take me.

life is too short . . .

• to not be happy with myself just the way I am, even at my current weight
• to not be more healthy so that I can enjoy my body and life even more
• to not shop at a store I love because their clothes don't fit me
• to sometimes feel like things are on hold until I get to a certain size or weight
• to not be thrilled that someone wants to take a picture of me
• to have to force myself to be in a picture with my children, because they are changing every day
  
• to not LOVE how I look and feel

I am sure I can go on, but you get the idea. I need to be making progress! I need to be getting closer to where I want to be!

I am counting points today, even though I have been eating A LOT. Today is my first day counting in months - probably since January. When I counted in January, it was probably only for a few days. Sunday is Easter and we are hosting, and I do NOT plan on worrying about points that day. I will be reasonable, but I am not going to worry too much about it. I am just proud of myself for not waiting to start again until Monday. I can still do well today and can get some practice at doing this all again!

I will try my 30 day shred today for the first time. I was going to do it last night, but Marc said I shouldn't because we have so much cleaning and stuff to do before Sunday. Ya know what? I didn't do that much cleaning last night anyway, and I could have worked out instead of watching some extra TV. I can take baby steps, even when I have a lot of other things going on!

I have more to say but I have to go get Kate before she wakes up Ryan (yes, he is napping!)

water where the soda used to be

Look at my pretty new water bottles, LOL! I am excited about them! The pink Camelbak one makes me want to fill it with milk (but I won't) because I think it would look even prettier with the white beverage inside :-) So far I have had 24oz. of water and have loved it! Having the Camelback with the bite valve (though it's weird to bite and suck, LOL) was convenient when I was feeding Katie this morning - because I could have it on the couch next to me and didn't have to worry about Ryan spilling it. There are so many times I'd like to have a drink but don't because it's not easy with the kids. So, I think I might favor that one so far. I do think I want to order at least one more.

I had realized that soda (besides being the most delicious drink in the whole word) was convenient because the cans were in the fridge, ice cold and easy to grab. So, with the purchase of these water bottles, I am trying to achieve the same thing. I think 3 will be better than 2, because right now I refilled the Camelbak and I might need it again before it's as cold as it can get.

I was drinking AT LEAST 6 cans of regular (caffeine free) soda a day - which is **900** calories!!!! And like I said, that was a minimum! SO, I am hoping that this change alone will help me lose a few pounds!

6 months

In the next week I want to take some "before" pics and really focus on losing weight in the next 6 months. I want to see how I can do from March 1st - September 1st. If I lose 4lb. a month, that would be 24 lb. and would put me at 161. That would be amazing for me - that would probably be less than when I got married in 2003. So, I am going to be working toward this, as well as taking other baby steps to make my life better! I have been doing great with making little steps to improve our house and reduce clutter. I really think that this goes hand in hand with eating better and exercising. Everything seems to go better when the house is clean! I still have a long way to go, but I'm definitely making progress!!